The Rocky   Bullwinkle Horror Picture Show

by Joe Blevins

[Start with opening graphics from 20th Century Flops studios and fanfare played by kazoos.]

[We see a totally black screen]

(on screen) 20th Century Flops Presents
A Jay Ward / DelVarmint Production

[Music fades in. A large pair of lips appears out of the inky blackness.]

LIPS: (sings) Snagglepuss was okay
But he was prob'ly gay
'Cause his fur was -- shocking pink

And Bugs Bunny would gloat
When he got Elmer's goat
Then he'd turn to the camera and wink

That Daffy's a riot
I wanted to try it
When he shot off his beak with a gun

Whenever Scooby-Doo
Was searching for a clue
I'd always shout, "Run, stupid, run!"

[Chorus]
Animated -- cartoon features
Elmer Fudd -- will shoot at creatures
See Foghorn Leghorn -- and Chilly Willy
Speedy Gonzales -- acted so silly
Woah oh oh ohhhhhh
On those great, old -- early morning -- cartoon shows

[During this chorus, the lips fade out and we see title and cast credits.]

THE ROCKY   BULLWINKLE HORROR PICTURE SHOW

Starring...

BORIS BADENOV
as Dr. Bad-N-Uff (a nutcase)

ROCKET "ROCKY" J. SQUIRREL
as Rocky Weiss (a squirrel hero)

BULLWINKLE J. MOOSE
as Bullwinkle Majors (a moose hero)

SNIDELY WHIPLASH
as Whip-Lash (a handyman)

NATASHA FATALE
as Natasha (a domestic)

"LITTLE" NELL FENWICK
as Canadia (a nutcase's assistant)

MR. PEABODY
as Dr. Von Peabody (a really smart dog)

DUDLEY DO-RIGHT
as Dudley Horror (a mountie)

SHERMAN
as Shermie (a boy)

and

WILLIAM CONRAD
as the Narrator (a know-it-all)

[Lips fade back in.]

LIPS:
Oh, I really loved Porky
Who talked kinda dorky
When he tried to say really long words
And that mean cat, Sylvester
Who'd constantly pester
That poor little innocent bird

In the eighties, the Smurfs
Conqured 'toon turf
But now they've been pulled off the air
And when Mel Blanc died,
Said Chuck Jones to his bride,
"Now we'll never hear Daffy Duck swear."

Too bad!

[Chorus]
Animated -- cartoon features
Elmer Fudd will shoot at creatures
See Foghorn Leghorn -- and Chilly Willy
Speedy Gonzales -- acted so silly
Woah oh oh ohhhhhh
On those great, old -- early morning -- cartoon shows
Remember those? Woah ohhhh
I love all them -- early morning -- cartoon shows
Don't pick your nose! Woah ohhhh
On those great, old -- early morning -- cartoon shows
They don't wear clothes! Ah-ohhhh
On those great, old -- early morning -- cartoon shows

[Music fades out.]

[Dissolve to close-up of TV antennae. Pan down to reveal that the antennae is on top of charming little cottage. Off-screen narrator speaks.]

NARRATOR:
I would like, if I may, to take you to the lovely little community of Frostbite Falls, home of the man with the world's biggest thumb...

[Quick cut to man in overalls modeling huge thumb to onlookers with cameras. Back to original scene...]

NARRATOR:
...And also our heroes, Rocky Weiss and Bullwinkle Majors!

[Dissolve to inside of cottage. Rocky, a squirrel, is frying eggs on a skillet, while Bullwinkle, a moose, is watching TV.]

VOICE ON TV:
I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body...

BULLWINKLE:
(snapping off TV) Gee, Rock, I'm bored. The only thing on the tube is this Nichard Rixon fella.

ROCKY:
Don'tcha mean Richard Nixon?

BULLWINKLE:
Ahhh, I get all those used car salesmen confused.

ROCKY:
Richard Nixon isn't a used car salesmen!

BULLWINKLE:
What's the difference?

ROCKY:
Well, a used car salesman is an untrustworthy double-dealer who lies and cheats, and Richard Nixon is...uh, never mind.

[Music starts.]

BULLWINKLE:
Hey, Rocky.

ROCKY:
Yeah, Bullwinkle?

BULLWINKLE:
I've got something to say.

ROCKY:
Well, get on with it.

BULLWINKLE:
I really hate the -- boring way
We do the same old thing -- every single day.

ROCKY:
Oh, Bullwinkle!

[Music swells up. Singing starts.]

BULLWINKLE:
On Monday, I cleaned out my sock drawer (I'm bored)
Then I hung out a while at the shoe store (I'm bored)
Then read books on President Fillmore (I'm bored)
What I'm trying to say is just...
Oh Lord -- I'm bored -- miserably

On Tuesday, I cleaned off the screen door (I'm bored)
Then read up on how pigs' feet get stored (I'm bored)
My whole friggin' life is a big snore (I'm bored)
What I'm trying to say is just...
Oh Lord -- I'm bored -- miserably

[Bullwinkle drags Rocky outside of the cabin and points to the horizon. We see a sign in the background: "Frostbite Falls: Home of the Man With the World's Biggest Thumb."]

BULLWINKLE:
We could have a hit show in the making
With bad jokes and lousy puns
There's adventure out there for the taking
Oh, R-O-C-K-Y, I need some fun!

ROCKY:
Oh, there's really some work I should get done (No fun!)
I'm not rich like that guy with the huge thumb (No fun!)
Can't chat any more, really must run (No fun!)
I'll bet Bullwinkle thinks that I'm...
Glum -- no fun -- anymore

I'm glum!

BULLWINKLE:
Oh my Lord!

ROCKY:
No fun!

BULLWINKLE:
I'm so bored!

ROCKY:
No more!

BULLWINKLE:
Don't be a bore.

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
Life is a game, not a chore! Let's score!

BULLWINKLE:
So let's rev up our trusty jalopy (Rocky)
It runs good though it looks kind of sloppy (Rocky)
We'll eat nothing but junk and get stocky (Rocky)
When we're on the road we'll be...
Rockin' -- Rocky -- wait and see

Oh Lord, I'm bored!

ROCKY:
I'm glum! No fun!

BULLWINKLE:
Oh Lord, I'm bored!

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
Miserably.

[Music ends.]

ROCKY:
By the way, Bullwinkle, what gave you the idea to have an adventure anyway?

BULLWINKLE:
We have an adventure every week at this time, that's why.

[Rocky turns to the audience and shrugs.]

***

[Rocky and Bullwinkle are now driving down a deserted road in their beat-up old jalopy. Rocky's driving, and Bullwinkle's in the back, strumming a ukulele. The sky is gray and cloudy.]

NARRATOR:
That kind of reasoning was hard to argue with, and our boys were soon out on the road. It's true there were dark storm clouds -- heavy, black, and pendulous -- toward which they were driving. It's true also...

BULLWINKLE:
Hey, Narrator, knock it off! You're gonna jinx us!

NARRATOR:
Oh, sorry.

[Suddenly, we hear a loud "boom." Rocky stops the car.]

ROCKY:
What was that boom?

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, it must've been something I ate.

ROCKY:
No, I don't think so. We probably just caught a flat tire.

BULLWINKLE:
How 'bout that! And I wasn't even fishing for a flat tire!

ROCKY:
Hey, Bullwinkle, where's the spare tire in this car?

BULLWINKLE:
You mean that big, black ring in the trunk?

ROCKY:
Yeah, that's the one. Where is it?

BULLWINKLE:
I ate it.

ROCKY:
You ate it?!?

BULLWINKLE:
Yeah. I thought it was an industrial-sized donut. No wonder it tasted so funny.

ROCKY:
Well, without another tire, this car isn't going anywhere. We'll have to look for help on foot. Oh well, at least it isn't raining!

[Suddenly, it starts pouring down rain.]

BULLWINKLE:
You had to say something, didn't you?

***

[The sun has set. Rocky and Bullwinkle are walking down the road amidst the pouring rain. Bullwinkle shields himself with a comic book. They come upon a sign.]

ROCKY:
(reading the sign) "Big Scary Castle, one mile ahead. Enter at your own risk! Tourists welcome! Ask about group rates!" Well, what do you think, Bullwinkle?

BULLWINKLE:
You mean I gotta choice?

ROCKY:
I see what you mean. The audience would be disappointed if we didn't check it out.

BULLWINKLE:
(to audience) Hope you're happy, audience.

[They resume walking. Music starts.]

***

[They eventually reach the castle, which is indeed big and scary. There's a light on in an upper-story window. The place looks very forboding, and R   B are visably scared.]

ROCKY:
(sings) I wish we had stayed home
And just watched TV
I can see -- this just won't work out
I just give *up*, so-oh
Count me out!

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
What a night!

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
Going to the Bad-N-Uff Place

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
This looks li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ike...

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
...Something out of outer space

[Puzzled, Rocky and Bullwinkle look around to see where the background music is coming from and then resume singing...]

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
What a night -- of fright
We'll be lucky -- to get out with our li-i-i-ife

[We move in closer on the upper story window, where we see Whip-Lash, a green skinned villian dressed in black. He has a black top hat and a thin mustache.]

WHIP-LASH:
These morons don't know
All the trouble -- they're creating
I'll play it cool -- I'm no fool
I'll just be waiting
Biding my time
Biding my ti-i-i-i-i-ime

[Back to Rocky and Bullwinkle, who are facing each other.]

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
What a night!

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
Going to the Bad-N-Uff Place

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
This looks li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ike...

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
...Something out of outer space
What a night -- of fright

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
We'll be lucky -- to get out with our li-i-i-ife

[Music fades out.]

***

[Rocky and Bullwinkle are now at the front door of the big, scary castle. Rocky rings the doorbell, which plays a funeral march.]

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, Rock, I don't know about this. Even the doorbell gives me the creeps.

ROCKY:
Relax. We're the good guys. Nothing bad ever happens to the good guys.

BULLWINKLE:
Oh yeah. I almost forgot.

[Whip-Lash opens the door slowly.]

WHIP-LASH:
(rudely) What do you want?

ROCKY:
Uh, we just want to use the telephone. I'm Rocky, and this is Bullwinkle. Our car broke down at the beginning of this cartoon.

WHIP-LASH:
You're all wet.

BULLWINLKLE:
Of course we're all wet. It's been rainin' cats and dogs.

[Bullwinkle is conked on the head by a falling cat.]

WHIP-LASH:
No, I meant your sorry jokes were all wet.

ROCKY:
Well, can we come in and use the telephone or not?

[A lightbulb appears over Whip-Lash's head, signifying sudden inspiration.]

WHIP-LASH:
Sure. If you're willing to pay the fee, that is.

ROCKY:
You charge people to use the telephone?

WHIP-LASH:
We've got to make money somehow. You're the first tourists who've come here in ages!

BULLWINKLE:
Y'know, he's got a point, Rock.

WHIP-LASH:
That'll be five bucks.

ROCKY:
(reluctantly handing over a bill) All right, here's five bucks. Can we use the phone now?

WHIP-LASH:
Certainly. Right this way.

[Whip-Lash leads R   B into the creepy castle.]

NARRATOR:
And so, fate it seems had smiled on our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle. But what awaits them inside this maniacal mansion, this hideous hacienda, this dreary dwelling, this...

WHIP-LASH:
[sticking his head out the door] Enough already with these corny jokes!

[End of Episode #1]

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE HORROR PICTURE SHOW #2
by Joe Blevins

[Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Whip-Lash are all standing in the dusty, cobweb-filled, oddly decorated foyer of the house. Ooh-pah band music can be heard playing faintly in the background.]

ROCKY:
Hey, we didn't catch your name.

WHIP-LASH:
That's because I didn't drop it.

ROCKY:
Now who's doing the corny jokes?

WHIP-LASH:
Sorry about that. Whip-Lash the butler, at your service...

BULLWINKLE:
That sure is a strange name, Mr. Atyourservice.

WHIP-LASH:
I'm a strange guy.

ROCKY:
(noticing the music) Is there some kind of party going on here tonight?

WHIP-LASH:
You've arrived on a rather convenient night, plot-wise. The master is hosting a convention of tourists from his homeland of Pottsylvania.

BULLWINKLE:
Neat-o!

[Suddenly, Natasha -- a tall, thin, pale woman with long black hair -- emerges from the shadows. She is dressed in a maid's uniform and speaks with a strange accent.]

NATASHA:
You're neat-o! He's neat-o! I'm neat-o! We're all neat-o! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

BULLWINKLE:
(to Rocky) Between you and me, I think she's more nutso than neat-o!

[Music starts. Whip-Lash opens a coffin-shaped grandfather clock to reveal a skeleton watching Road Runner cartoons on a tiny TV set.]

WHIP-LASH:
In the sixties
'Toons were nifty
Violence -- left unchecked
But then some parents...

NATASHA:
Got too overprotective

WHIP-LASH:
That's how -- 'toons got wrecked
I remember -- watching cartoon shows
Laughing -- my ass off when...
Someone would get blown up
I hate being grown up!

[Whip-Lash and Natasha open double doors at the end of the front hall, leading to a ballroom full of stern-looking middle-aged men in cheap suits. A banner in back reads: "POTTSYLVANIAN CONVENTION." The Pottsylvanian tourists sing and dance with little enthusiasm.]

POTTSYLVANIANS:
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again

NARRATOR:
First, you're hit with a safe

POTTSYLVANIANS:
Then blown up with dynami-i-i-i-i-ite

NARRATOR:
Then you're pushed off a cliff

POTTSYLVANIANS:
And get scrunched up real ti-i-ight
But getting hit by trucks
Can really drive you insa-a-a-a-a-ane

Let's do the 'Toon Warp again
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again

NATASHA:
They're so funny
Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny
Right on the money -- every gag kills!
And Tex Avery's Droopy
I'm that dog's biggest groupie
'Toons are cooler -- than kosher dills

WHIP-LASH:
They can fall from tall places

NATASHA:
Land right on their faces

WHIP-LASH:
Soon, they'll -- be looking just the same

NATASHA:
'Toons don't wind up in traction

WHIP-LASH:
They get back into the action

POTTSYLVANIANS:
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again

[Whip-Lash and Natasha dance over to Canadia, a pretty young woman with a prim, old-fashioned dress and hairstyle. Canadia is sitting on top of a crate labelled "Canadian Bacon."]

CANADIA:
Well, I was watchin' Betty Boop
Tryin' to copy her voice
If I picked my favorite 'toon
She'd surely be my choice
Well, she dresses great -- Her hair is groovy, too
And all she ever says is "Boop Boop a Doop"
Well, her skull is huge
But she's not a freak
I watch Betty each and every week

POTTSYLVANIANS:
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again

NARRATOR:
First, you're hit with a safe

POTTSYLVANIANS:
Then blown up with dynami-i-i-i-i-ite

NARRATOR:
Then you're pushed off a cliff

POTTSYLVANIANS:
And get scrunched up real ti-i-ight
But getting hit by trucks
Can really drive you insa-a-a-a-a-ane

Let's do the 'Toon Warp again
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again

[Canadia leaps off the crate and does a very demure tap dance solo. Because her dress is so long, you can't really see her footwork.]

POTTSYLVANIANS:
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again

NARRATOR:
First, you're hit with a safe

POTTSYLVANIANS:
Then blown up with dynami-i-i-i-i-ite

NARRATOR:
Then you're pushed off a cliff

POTTSYLVANIANS:
And get scrunched up real ti-i-ight
But getting hit by trucks
Can really drive you insa-a-a-a-a-ane

Let's do the 'Toon Warp again
Let's do the 'Toon Warp again

[Music winds down. Everyone except Rocky and Bullwinkle collapses to the floor with exhaustion.]

ROCKY:
(nudging Bullwinkle) You better say something, Bullwinkle.

BULLWINKLE:
Uh...knock-knock.

[Everyone sits up and pays attention.]

ALL OF GROUP:
Who's there?

BULLWINKLE:
Ida.

ALL OF GROUP:
Ida who?

BULLWINKLE:
Ida wanna tell ya. It's a secret.

[The group looks at Bullwinkle in puzzled silence. Rocky groans at Bullwinkle's "joke." The moose and squirrel back up. Behind them, an elevator slowly descends. Background music builds up. The Pottsylvanians and servants rise to their feet.]

ROCKY:
Uh, maybe we should be going.

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, Rock, I was just getting started. Hey, gang, have you heard the one about the priest and the rabbi...?

[Rocky turns around to see the elevator opening. Bad-N-Uff, a short, bald man in a black robe steps out. Bad-N-Uff's complexion is ghostly white, and he wears lots of lipstick and eye-liner. Rocky faints.]

BULLWINKLE:
Was my joke that bad, Rocky? (finally notices Bad-N-Uff) Yikes!

BAD-N-UFF:
(sings) Nice to meet ya! I'm...
The main feature -- in this
Cartoon -- episode
I see you're -- somewhat surprised that I'm...
Dressed like this
I thought your brains just -- might explode

[Bad-N-Uff struts across the room in his high-heeled platform shoes to a throne on the ballroom's stage.]

But don't freak out
Or get real uptight!
'Cause I just might be your saviour
I'll bet -- mooses and squirrels
Don't meet -- guys like me
Be prepared for some lurid behavior

[Bad-N-Uff takes off his robe, and tosses it on the throne. Underneath, he is wearing black lingerie, fishnet stockings, and a pearl necklace.]

I'm just a sweet mad doctor
From my homeland of -- Pottsylvania-ah-ha

[Bad-N-Uff struts around the ballroom. Rocky and Bullwinkle follow him.]

Let me -- show you my pad
You could -- dry off a tad
You look like you've both -- got the munchies
So if want something edible
That's somewhat forgettable
We could snack on some old -- stale Cheese Crunchies

[Bad-N-Uff greet various Pottsylvanians and shakes their hands.]

BULLWINKLE:
I really wish we could stay
But, well -- not today
We both have to get up real early

ROCKY:
Yeah!

BULLWINKLE:
At the -- end of this song
We'll just -- move right along

A POTTSYLVANIAN:
(to Bad-N-Uff) A pleasure to meet you, Your Wickedness!

ROCKY:
We don't want to dress up like girlies

BAD-N-UFF:
So you -- don't wanna stay?
Well -- that's OK
Just don't leave -- right away now
'Cause this show needs a plot
In case you -- just forgot
You're gonna have to stay now -- and play now

I'm just a sweet mad doctor
From my homeland of -- Pottsylvania-ah-ha

[Bad-N-Uff slumps down into his throne. The servants gather around him.]

Why don't you -- crash here til dawn?

WHIP-LASH:
Dawn!

BAD-N-UFF:
And sleep on -- the lawn.

CANADIA:
Lawn!

BAD-N-UFF:
I could show you my current -- obsession
My new -- science project
Is a blond-haired sex object
Who's just great for relieving de -- pression

I'm just a sweet mad doctor
From my homeland of -- Pottsylvania-ah-ha

[Bad-N-Uff rises from his throne.]

Kiss my butt!
I'm just a sweet mad doctor

SERVANTS:
Sweet mad doctor

BAD-N-UFF:
From my homeland of...

SERVANTS:
Pottsylvania-ah-ha

[Bad-N-Uff returns to the elevator.]

BAD-N-UFF:
So...ride up a few floors
And -- I'll give you a tour
I know you're eager; I won't leave you...

[Long pause. Rocky and Bullwinkle are in suspense.]

...hanging.
And before too long
I'll -- have someone strong
The springs inside my bed
(laughs)
Will soon -- be twanging!!!

[The music ends. The elevator goes up to the next floor. Whip-Lash and Natasha start drying Rocky and Bullwinkle off with blood-stained towels.]

ROCKY:
Gee, that woman Bad-N-Uff says he's creating must sure be something special.

WHIP-LASH:
I've got news for you, pal. It's not a woman he was singing about.

BULLWINKLE:
Ya mean he's...?

NATASHA:
(depressed) He sure is. Believe me, I should know!

CANADIA:
You're pretty lucky to be invited on the Master's behind-the-scenes tour. Some people say it's to die for!

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, I don't like the sound of that.

NATASHA:
Well, there's no time to complain. The doctor gets very impatient when people are late for his guided tour.

[Rocky and Bullwinkle are pushed into the elevator. Whip-Lash closes the door and takes the elevator up to a laboratory. As the elevator arrives, Bad-N-Uff is seen in a green surgical gown. Whip-Lash opens the gate and motions for Rocky and Bullwinkle to exit. As they exit, we see the entire lab. The Pottsylvanians are leaning over a railing looking down on the proceedings.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Whip-Lash! Canadia! Natasha! Don't just sit there like a cold plate of borscht! Get everything ready for our little demonstration. (turning his attention to Rocky and Bullwinkle) How nice it is to have visitors. Here, put these on.

[He hands them ridiculous-looking Mickey Mouse hats with ears. Rocky and Bullwinkle look at each other, shrug, and put the hats on.]

BULLWINKLE:
I don't mean to be rude, but why do we have to wear these hats?

BAD-N-UFF:
You don't! I was just testing to see how gullible you were.

BULLWINKLE:
How'd we do?

BAD-N-UFF:
Let's say you passed with flying colors.

WHIP-LASH:
We're all set, doc.

[Bad-N-Uff crosses to a podium and stands between Canadia and Natasha.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Tonight -- my very conventional conventionists...

[Grumbles and murmurs from Pottsylvanians.]

BAD-N-UFF:
...You will witness the most expensive science project in the history of mankind. I have transplanted the brain of a Canadian mountie from the R.C.M.P. -- the Royal Canadian Mounted Police -- into the body of a blond adonis. Let's see what happens...

[Frank crosses to a large tank which is covered by a cloth.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Well, here goes something!

[The Pottsylvanians provide limp applause. Bad-N-Uff turns to covered tank.]

BAD-N-UFF:
One for the money. Two for the show. Three to get ready. And four to go!

[Natasha and Canadia pull the cover off the tank. We see what appears to be a bandaged human form inside the water-filled tank.]

BAD-N-UFF:
(barking orders) Set the transmodulator on high! Set the radiation level at 7.4! Set the blender on frappe!

[A strange-looking light fixture is lowered toward the tank.]

BULLWINKLE:
(to Rocky) Gee, we should get one of those for the house. It would make a swell reading lamp!

ROCKY:
Oh, Bullwinkle!

[The electric light fixture is lowered into the water, causing a huge electric shock. This zaps the form to life, and it jumps out of the tank. Canadia and Natasha remove its bandages with scissors, and we see that the form is really a blond Mountie in full dress uniform.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Oh, Dudley!

[Bouncy, uptempo music starts.]

DUDLEY:
(sings) The great R.C.M.P.
Will always -- capture their man
Just give us a call and
We'll find him as soon as we can

Oh, that's our vow!
We'll catch the crook anyhow!
Oh, even now
I'm looking out for some possible suspects

I wake up each morning
Looking out for some low-lifes and finks

POTTSYLVANIANS:
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
I just might uncover a drug smuggler
Hiding out in my sink

POTTSYLVANIANS:
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
My -- life is crime
I battle it all the time
Hey -- watch out slime!
'Cause I'm looking out for some possible suspects

BAD-N-UFF:
Oh, Dudley!

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Oh, yeah yeah yeah

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Oh, yeah yeah yeah

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!
He'll solve the -- crime!

DUDLEY:
The great R.C.M.P...

BAD-N-UFF:
(getting a bit disgusted) Hoo boy!

DUDLEY:
...Will always capture their man

POTTSYLVANIANS:
They'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Just give us a call and we'll
Find him as soon as we can

POTTSYLVANIANS:
They'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Oh, that's our vow!
We'll catch the crook anyhow!
Oh, even now
I'm looking out for some possible suspects

BAD-N-UFF:
Du-u-u-u-udley!

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Oh, yeah yeah yeah

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Oh, yeah yeah yeah

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!
He'll solve the -- crime!

Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Oh, yeah yeah yeah

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!

DUDLEY:
Oh, yeah yeah yeah

POTTSYLVANIANS   SERVANTS:
Sha la la la
He'll solve the crime!
He'll solve the -- crime!
Sha la la

[Music ends. Bad-N-Uff knocks Dudley out with a sharp blow to the back of the head with a billy club. Dudley sees stars and wobbles around a bit before falling to the floor.]

[End of Episode #2] THE ROCKY   BULLWINKLE HORROR PICTURE SHOW #3
by Joe Blevins

BAD-N-UFF:
It's just as I had feared. The mountie in him was too strong. It took over his entire personality! I'll just need to find another brain for Dudley!

ROCKY:
This has all been fascinating, but can we use the phone now?

BAD-N-UFF:
That'll be ten bucks each.

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
Ten bucks each?

BAD-N-UFF:
That's to cover wear and tear to the telephone.

ROCKY:
Why so high?

BAD-N-UFF:
Do you have any idea what a mad doctor makes these days? Let me tell ya, it's hardly enough to cover the electric bills. I need to supplement my income.

ROCKY:
(handing over a twenty dollar bill) Here ya go. Gee, just using the phone is expensive in this place.

BAD-N-UFF:
Thanks a bunch.

ROCKY:
Now where's the phone?

BAD-N-UFF:
We don't got one.

ROCKY:
Whaddya mean ya don't got one? Why did ya ask us for twenty bucks then?

BAD-N-UFF:
'Cause I knew you'd be dumb enough to pay it.

BULLWINKLE:
What do you take us for?

BAD-N-UFF:
Twenty bucks so far. But the night is still young.

ROCKY:
You're the most dishonest, crooked man I've ever met.

BAD-N-UFF:
You don't know the half of it. Hit it, boys!

[Piano music starts.]

(sings) A moron -- and his cash soon will part
From the naive young kid
To the senile old fart
'Cause a scumbag like me
With no integrity
Will scam 'em like hell
'Cause we do it -- so we-e-ell

I'll say cheap plastic -- is gold
Charge 'em plenty
But they'll be tot'lly -- so-o-old
'Cause I'm slick
And quite cold

[Music kicks into high gear.]

'Cause I'm a crook, man
Oh, baby!

BAD-N-UFF   POTTSYLVANIANS:
Wrote the book, man

BAD-N-UFF:
I'll cheat at poker
Gin rummy
Or even Go Fish
Scamming folks out of cash is...
My ultimate wish

It's so easy
'Cause I got the whole damn thing planned
To make extra cash...

BAD-N-UFF   POTTSYLVANIANS:
I'm the king of -- the sca-a-a-a-am

BAD-N-UFF:
I'm dishonest
And crooked
Telling little white lies
So when I steal your cash, it...
Shouldn't be a surprise

Such illegal doings
Are my everyday plans
'Cause to make extra cash
You suckers!
I'm the king of -- the sca-a-a-a-am

[Bad-N-Uff laughs contentedly as the music comes to a close. But he's not able to gloat for long. Suddenly, a large refrgeration unit opens like a drawbridge. A little boy breaks through a wall of ice on his tricycle. The boy has glasses and red hair and is dressed in short pants and a t-shirt. Real kick-ass rock music starts to play. The boy takes off his bicycle helmet and gets off the tricycle.]

CANADIA:
(screaming) Shermie!

SHERMIE:
(singing) Whatever happened to the Wayback Machine?
It zoomed through time and was pretty keen
I met Cleopatra, the Nile Queen
And in a tube top -- she really looked divine

I used to hang with Michelangelo
I told Wolfgang Mozart how his songs should go
Abe Lincoln didn't wanna be a guest on our show
But he did anyway -- and we really had a good ti-i-ime

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history

SHERMIE   POTTSYLVANIANS:
Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history!

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD

[Shermie takes a kazoo out of his pocket and plays a rockin' solo. The Pottsylvanians sort of dance to the music.]

A POTTSYLVANIAN:
Ehhh...not bad.

SHERMIE:
(sings) And George Washington is an old friend of mine
I showed Norman Rockwell how to draw a straight line
We told Shelley and Byron -- their poems should rhyme
And told Benjamin Franklin -- to go fly a ki-ite

We went to Rome and fiddled as it burned
Socrates and Plato told us stuff they'd learned
Went to the Dawn of Man and saw the first wheel turned
When Columbus got lost -- woo!
We tried to steer him ri-i-i-ight

[Shermie dances with Canadia.]

SHERMIE:
Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history

SHERMIE   POTTSYLVANIANS:
Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD!

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD!

[The Pottsylvanians form a kick line, but only lift their legs a few inches off the ground. Bad-N-Uff gets visably upset. Sherman starts peddling around the lab on his tricycle.]

SHERMIE   POTTSYLVANIANS:
Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD!

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD!

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD!

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I used to zoom through history

Golly jeepers! Look at me!
I think Jay Ward used LSD!

[When Shermie stops his trike, Bad-N-Uff chases him into the refrigerator and stuffs him into a meat grinder. Music comes to an abrupt end. Just as Bad-N-Uff starts to grind Shermie up, we cut away to a reaction shot from a horrified Canadia. Bad-N-Uff stumbles out of the refrigerator.]

BAD-N-UFF:
(to the stunned crowd) Just a refugee from the Nick at Night vaults.

[The Pottsylvanians laugh heartily for the first time all night.]

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, didja have to kill him like that?

BAD-N-UFF:
Well, I've always believed children should be seen and not heard. He may have had a certain grade school charm -- but no pubes to speak of yet.

[Dudley snaps out of his coma and lifts his head up.]

DUDLEY:
I'm not sure, but I think that was a violation of local laws.

[Bad-N-Uff conks him on the head with a billy club, and Dudley is once again out like a light.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Well, I think it's time we turned in for the night. Rocky, Bullwinkle -- you can stay here tonight as my guests.

ROCKY:
Ya mean for free?

BAD-N-UFF:
Of course not! This ain't no charity. That'll be $200.

ROCKY:
Hmmmm. In that case, I think we'll just sleep in our car tonight.

BAD-N-UFF:
I don't think so. During that last musical number, I took the liberty of having your car towed away. Now fork over the $200.

ROCKY:
(handing him a wad of cash) It's a good thing I make a ton from royalty checks. But I still say you're the most dishonest person I've ever met.

[Music fades back in.]

BAD-N-UFF:
(sings) Oh, corruption
And -- some good schemes
Being sneaky -- Is my wet dream
I'm so -- ooooooh -- bad
Didn't take too long with you
Now you've both been -- had
To make extra cash...

You know it!

BAD-N-UFF   POTTSYLVANIANS:
I'm the king of the -- sca-a-a-a-am

BAD-N-UFF:
I could take all your -- money
Boy -- that would be -- funny

BULLWINKLE:
You're a wicked man

BAD-N-UFF   POTTSYLVANIANS:
To make extra cash...
I'm the king of the -- sca-a-a-a-am

BAD-N-UFF:
Catch me -- if you can!

BAD-N-UFF   POTTSYLVANIANS:
To make extra cash...
I'm the king of the -- sca-a-a-a-am

[Music fades out. Bad-N-Uff picks Dudley's unconscious body and carries it to a honeymoon suite which is adjacent to the lab.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get acquainted with Dudley here. (pause) Didn't you hear me, I said GET OUT OF HERE!!

[Rocky, Bullwinkle, the Servants, and the Pottsylvanians dash toward the elevator.]

***

[Cut to a living room in suburban house. Two young boys are watching this very cartoon on a TV set.]

FIRST BOY:
Jeepers, I wonder what's gonna happen next?

SECOND BOY:
I don't know, but I have a feeling the narrator's gonna tell us in a couple of seconds...

NARRATOR:
There are some who say that cartoons aren't educational, and that shows like this merely rot children's brains. If this is so, we certainly don't give a damn. But getting back to the story...

SECOND BOY:
(to first boy) See? I told ya!

NARRATOR:
The sudden departure of Bad-N-Uff and his...mountie into their "honeymoon" suite had left Bullwinkle and Rocky feeling greatly relieved. Mainly because their pocketbooks shrank everytime Bad-N-Uff was around! Well, anyway, to make a long story short, the Pottsylvanians split. And Rocky and Bullwinkle were shown to separate rooms...

***

[We are now back in Bad-N-Uff's castle. Rocky is led into a pink bedroom by Canadia. Whip-Lash and Natasha watch Rocky on a television monitor.]

WHIP-LASH:
This show stinks! Let's see what else is on!

[Bullwinkle is led into blue bedroom by Canadia. Cut back to Whip-Lash and Natasha watching Bullwinkle on television monitor.]

NATASHA:
This show isn't much better!

***

[A little while later, Rocky's in bed. There's a knock on at the door.]

ROCKY:
Yeah. Who is it?

BAD-N-UFF:
(impersonating Bullwinkle's voice) Duh! It's me, your big, dumb pal, Bullwinkle.

ROCKY:
Gee, your voice sounds funny, Bullwinkle. Do you have a cold or something?

BAD-N-UFF:
Uh..yeah. I caught it when we were out in the rain.

ROCKY:
Oh. Well, come in then.

[Bad-N-Uff enters the dimly lit bedroom. He has a ridiculous-looking pair of fake antlers strapped to his head.]

BAD-N-UFF:
I'm scared. Can I sleep here tonight?

ROCKY:
Well, I guess so.

BAD-N-UFF:
(in his normal voice) Great! Uh, I mean...(reverts to Bullwinkle voice)...Neat-o!

[Bad-N-Uff climbs into bed with Rocky and pulls out a hack saw.]

ROCKY:
Hey, what are you doing?!?

[Rocky turns on a lamp and sees that "Bullwinkle" is really Bad-N-Uff.]

ROCKY:
It's you!!!

BAD-N-UFF:
I'm afraid so.

ROCKY:
What do you want?

BAD-N-UFF:
Your brain.

ROCKY:
My brain?!? What for?

BAD-N-UFF:
I need one for Dudley. His brain is defective, and I'd hate to see all my hard work go down the drain. So what do you say?

[Rocky tosses Bad-N-Uff out of bed and into the hallway, where he lands on his noggin.]

BAD-N-UFF:
I'll take that as a "no."

***

[Scene shifts to the lab. Natasha is mopping, and Whip-Lash approaches her. After a private discussion, Whip-Lash approaches the bridal suite. Dudley is in bed, reading a book called "Great Adventures of the Canadian Mounties." Whip-Lash gets Dudley's attention by waving a Canadian flag in front of his face. Whip-Lash spits on the flag. Dudley becomes enraged. Whip-Lash taunts Dudley with the flag and waves it in front of his face like a matador. Dudley charges like a bull. Whip-Lash pulls the flag away, but Dudley keeps running -- right toward the elevator shaft. As Dudley tumbles down the elvevator shaft and lands on the ground, Natasha and Whip-Lash high-five each other.]

***

[Scene changes to Bullwinkle's bedroom. Bullwinkle is in bed, and Bad-N-Uff impersonating Rocky runs in!]

BAD-N-UFF:
(in Rocky voice) Gee, Bullwinkle! I'm scared! Can I sleep here tonight and maybe remove your brain with a hack saw?

BULLWINKLE:
Why sure!

[Bullwinkle turns on the lamp.]

BULLWINKLE:
Hey! You're not Rocky!!

BAD-N-UFF:
'Fraid not. Does our deal still stand?

[Bullwinkle tosses Bad-N-Uff out of the bedroom and into the hall, where he again lands on his noggin.]

BAD-N-UFF:
I guess not. Boy, I need to buy more insurance!

[Suddenly, Bad-N-Uff receives a signal on his wrist TV. It's Whip-Lash.]

WHIP-LASH:
Your Wickedness, Dudley has escaped from the honeymoon suite. The mountie is on the run somewhere on the castle grounds. Natasha suspects he's looking for clues. The pit-bulls have been released.

BAD-N-UFF:
(wearily) I'll be there in a second.

***

[We're now in Rocky's bedroom.]

ROCKY:
Something fishy's going on around here, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it! I'll go get Bullwinkle!

***

[We see Dudley being chased by pit-bulls outside the castle.]

DUDLEY:
I say! Do you all have dog licenses?

***

[Rocky and Bullwinkle are now in the elevator.]

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, Rock, why'd ya wake me up? I hadn't even fallen asleep yet!

ROCKY:
No time for that, Bullwinkle! We've got to find out what's really going on here! Let's go to the lab.

BULLWINKLE:
Better yet, let's go to the kitchen! I haven't eaten since this afternoon!

[Elevator rises to the lab. Rocky and Bullwinkle exit. They see Dudley curled up on the floor, shaking like a leaf. His uniform is all muddy and tattered.]

ROCKY:
(to Bullwinkle) Maybe Dudley can help us!

BULLWINKLE:
Nahhh. I don't think so. This guy ain't exactly Sgt. Preston of the Yukon. In fact, he's more like Sarge from "Beetle Bailey."

[Hearing this, Dudley rises to his feet and stands at attention.]

DUDLEY:
I say! No one questions the honor of a Canadian mountie! Now, what's the problem?

ROCKY:
I don't trust these people -- especially Bad-N-Uff. Maybe you can bring 'em to justice!

***

[Scene shifts back to suburban living room. The two boys are still watching the film on TV.]

FIRST BOY:
I wonder if the narrator's gonna tell us what's going on now!

SECOND BOY:
Yeah. I suspect he'll start any minute now.

NARRATOR:
Mountie: (noun) Informal; member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

[The two boys look at each other and nod knowlingly.]

NARRATOR:
Can this mountie help Rocky and Bullwinkle solve this mystery?

[End of Episode #3]

THE ROCKY   BULLWINKLE HORROR PICTURE SHOW #4
by Joe Blevins

[Scene shifts back to the castle. Natasha and Canadia are watching the proceedings on their own private monitor.]

NATASHA   CANADIA:
Don't bet on it, Rocky!

[They laugh hysterically. Back to the lab. Music starts.]

ROCKY:
(sings) What a pickle we're in!
We can't win.
That doctor wants to steal our brains

[Briefly cut back to Canadia   Natasha.]

CANADIA:
Ya mean he's gotten *that* desperate?

NATASHA:
Uh huh.

[Back to lab.]

ROCKY:
Don't mean to bust your bubble
But this place is trouble
We'd best be saying goodbye
On -- the double

I've had all I can take
Of all these fla-a-akes
Now all I wanna do is leave!

NATASHA   CANADIA:
Leave! Leave! Leave!

ROCKY:
We'll need your trained assistance
To cover lots of distance
We'll need to hustle like the...
Detroit Pistons

Help-a, help-a, help-a, help me
That Bad-N-Uff's crazy
Fetch him! Catch him! That retch, him!
Mountie of the North

When you've captured the crooks
Then we'll book
We'll catch the next train for the coast

NATASHA   CANADIA:
Coast! Coast! Coast!

ROCKY:
If we don't get out soon now
That might spell our doom now
We may not even li-ive...
Through this cartoon now

Help-a, help-a, help-a, help me
That Bad-N-Uff's crazy
Fetch him! Catch him! That retch, him!
Mountie of the North

[Back to Natasha and Canadia's room. Natasha and Canadia are mocking Rocky. They've even gone so far as to put on aviator's caps and goggles, just like the ones Rocky wears.]

CANADIA:
Help-a, help-a, help-a, help me

NATASHA:
That Bad-N-Uff's crazy

CANADIA:
Fetch him! Catch him! That retch, him!

NATASHA:
Mountie of the North

[Back to lab.]

ROCKY:
Oh! Help-a, help-a, help-a, help me
Oh! That Bad-N-Uff's crazy
Fetch him! Catch him! That retch, him!
Mountie of the North

DUDLEY:
Mountie of the North

[At this point, Rocky begins to hallucinate and imagines various people when he looks at Dudley.]

BULLWINKLE:
Mountie of the North??

BAD-N-UFF:
Mountie of the North

NATASHA:
Mountie of the North

WHIP-LASH:
Mountie of the North

CANADIA:
Mountie of the North

DUDLEY:
Mountie of the North!!

ROCKY:
Mountie of the North! Oh!!

[The music stops. Bad-N-Uff and Whip-Lash come up the elevator into the lab. Bad-N-Uff is hitting Whip-Lash with a billy club.]

BAD-N-UFF:
You numbskull! How did you let Dudley get loose? See if you can find him on the monitor!

WHIP-LASH:
I don't have to! He's standing right over there!

[Whip-Lash points to Dudley, Rocky, and Bullwinkle.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Don't talk back to me! When I tell you to do something, you do it! Now go turn on the monitor!

[Whip-Lash turns on the monitor.]

WHIP-LASH:
Your Wickedness, I think there's something you should see! We have a visitor.

[Everyone gathers around the monitor, where we see Dr. Peabody, a little white dog with glasses and a bow tie. He looks very well-educated.]

BULLWINKLE:
Hey, Peabody!

WHIP-LASH:
You know this person?

[Bad-N-Uff shoots Whip-Lash a killer look.]

WHIP-LASH:
This...canine?

BULLWINKLE:
I sure do. He's a regular on "The Bullwinkle Show" every week!

BAD-N-UFF:
I see! So, this isn't just a coincidence! He came here -- for a crossover appearance!!!

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, I don't know about that!

BAD-N-UFF:
Silence! You've told me enough lies for today! Shall we inquire of our canine visitor in person?

[Bad-N-Uff pulls a dog bone out of his pocket.]

BAD-N-UFF:
No dog in the world can resist these! Not even really smart ones who can talk!

[Scene shifts to ground floor of castle. Sure enough, Peabody's ears perk up, and he starts sniffing the air. He takes off like a rocket up the stairs. He dashes through Natasha   Canadia's room and zooms up another flight of stairs. When he gets to the top of the stairs, he crashes right through the wall into the lab.]

ROCKY:
Hokey smokes!!

BULLWINKLE:
Jumpin' G. Horse Fat!!

[Peabody bounds over to Bad-N-Uff and snatches the dog bone out of his hand.]

PEABODY:
(looking around) Rocky!

ROCKY:
Dr. Peabody!

BULLWINKLE:
Rocky!

ROCKY:
Bullwinkle!

BAD-N-UFF:
Dudley!

DUDLEY:
Oh my!

BAD-N-UFF:
(to Dudley, angry) Listen! I brought you down from the Great White North, and I can send you back just as easily!

[Suddenly, Natasha enters through the hole in the wall and sounds a gong.]

NATASHA:
Darling! Dinner is prepared!

BULLWINKLE:
Oh, goody! I always eat dinner in the middle of the night! What are we having?

BAD-N-UFF:
Beef-flavored gummi worms.

BULLWINKLE:
Mmmm-mmmmm. Sounds delicious!

***

[Scene changes to dining room. Bad-N-Uff, Rocky, Bullwinle, Dudley, Canadia, and Dr. Peabody are sitting around a long table. Whip-Lash and Natasha half-heartedly plop some so-called "beef-flavored gummi worms" on each plate.]

NARRATOR:
Food has always played a vital role in life's rituals -- the breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man, the attack of the last meal, the revenge of the breaking of bread, the son of the attack of the condemned bread, the...

ALL:
Aw, knock it off!!

PEABODY:
I came here to find my boy, Sherman!

CANADIA:
Ya mean Shermie?!?

BULLWINKLE:
I didn't know you had a son.

PEABODY:
He was sort of adopted. His real name is Sherman. I bought him at a flea market for $28.65.

BAD-N-UFF:
That's the biggest scam yet!

PEABODY:
Well, a few weeks ago, he up and disappeared. I followed the tracks of his tricycle to this castle. So, Bad-N-Uff, what do you know about Sherman?

BAD-N-UFF:
That's a rather juicy subject. More gummi worms, anyone?

[Everyone turns green and stops eating.]

CANADIA:
I think I'm going to be sick!

[She dashes out of the room. Off-screen, we can hear her throw up.]

PEABODY:
I knew he was in with a bad crowd. Intergalactic used car salesmen!

ROCKY   BULLWINKLE:
Gosh, Dr. Peabody!!

BAD-N-UFF:
Go on, Dr. Peabody. Or should I say, Dr. "Von" Peabody?

BULLWINKLE:
And what exactly is *that* supposed to mean?!?

PEABODY:
I believe Dr. Bad-N-Uff is implying that I am of the Germanic persuasion. Funny, my boy Shermie used to say the same thing. Let me tell you about him...

[Slow, stately music starts.]

PEABODY:
(sings) From the day he was sold
He was -- hopeless
He could catch cold
Even in July
Eating junk food

NARRATOR:
He was nasty, selfish, and rude!

PEABODY:
He'd have fun just killing flies

[Music becomes much more uptempo and rockin'!]

Every day of the week
He's a hassle
Dressed up like a geek
With a voice to match
Tripping on glue

NARRATOR:
He had nothing better to do!

PEABODY:
He makes Urkel look like a catch!

ALL:
When Sherman said he thought you were a German
Well, you knew he was a spoiled brat
But when he ate his ice cream
In the wayback machine...

BAD-N-UFF:
What a jerk!

ROCKY:
So much work!

PEABODY:
I heard that!

[The scene shifts to the bathroom, where Canadia is slumped over the toilet.]

CANADIA:
Didn't really hate him!
I can't believe I ate him!
I said, "Hey, Shrimp, don't bug me"
Go play with some machinery!"
Now he's finger food
For Whip-Lash and the rest...

[Return to dining room.]

PEABODY:
He was quite badly drawn
By cartoonists
That's why he warned me
In this note, which reads...

ALL:
Read it now! Read it now!

SHERMIE'S VOICE:
My head is too big
My body's skinny as a twig
My poor legs look just like two bamboo reeds

ALL:
When Sherman said he thought you were a German
Well, you knew he was a spoiled brat
But when he ate his ice cream
In the wayback machine...

BAD-N-UFF:
What a jerk!

ROCKY:
So much work!

PEABODY:
I heard that!

ALL:
When Sherman said he thought you were a German
Well, you knew he was a spoiled brat
But when he ate his ice cream
In the wayback machine...

[Music slows down dramatically.]

BAD-N-UFF:
What a jerk!

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
Woah woah woah

ROCKY:
So much work!

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
Hey, hey, hey!

PEABODY:
I heard that!

ALL:
Shermie!

[Music fades out.]

PEABODY:
You really must give me the recipe for these gummi worms. They're simply divine!

BAD-N-UFF:
Well, you use a dash of pepper, a hint of garlic, and a whole lotta...

[Bad-N-Uff pulls away tablecloth and reveals Shermie's remains in coffin beneath table.]

BAD-N-UFF:
...Your boy, Shermie!

[Rocky screams and flies out of the dining room. Music starts. Bad-N-Uff starts to chase Rocky through the castle. Bullwinkle and Dr. Peabody follow them. Natasha laughs.]

WHIP-LASH:
(to Natasha) Ahhh...get stuffed!

BAD-N-UFF:
(sings) Too bad I run
Just like a girl
You'd better slow down
Little squirrel

I thought that meal
Would make you hurl
You'd better slow down
Little squirrel

I need your brain
It's not hard to explain

With it, Dudley'd
Be so studly
Not just some old mountie peabrain

Don't be wimpy!
Just face it like John Wayne

You see, I'm dressed
Like Milton Berle
You'd better slow down
Little squirrel

[Rocky, Bad-N-Uff, Bullwinkle, and Peabody have all arrived in the lab.]

BAD-N-UFF:
No reprieve now
You can't leave now

[Dr. Peabody, Rocky, and Bullwinkle find they are stuck to the floor.]

ROCKY:
My feet! I can't move my feet!

PEABODY:
My paws! I can't move my paws!

BULLWINKLE:
It's as if the floor's all sticky!

BAD-N-UFF:
It is! I spilled a Coca-Cola on it, and didn't clean it up! You'd better say your prayers, you meddling morons!

ROCKY:
We're done for!

BAD-N-UFF:
No kidding! You're a smart one! Your mental powers are quite nice!

ROCKY:
Thanks!

[In the background, we see Whip-Lash, Natasha, and Dudley enter the lab.]

PEABODY:
Unless I've missed my guess, you plan to turn us into stone with that lever over there that's marked, "For stopping mooses, squirrels, and dogs in their tracks."

BAD-N-UFF:
Not quite! I'm going to turn you into liver pate!

ROCKY, BULLWINKLE   PEABODY:
Liver pate?!?

BAD-N-UFF:
Sure! If things don't work out, I'll at least get a snack out of the deal.

BULLWINKLE:
So...what are you going to do to us?

BAD-N-UFF:
I've got something terribly violent and brutal planned for you.

ROCKY:
Ya mean you're gonna make us play hockey?

BAD-N-UFF:
(sings) Hockey, Shmockey, Rocky!
You'd better slow down
Little squirrel
You'd better slow down
For this hoedown
You'd beter slow down

NARRATOR:
And then, he yelled out!

ROCKY:
Hokey smokes!

[This song ends, and a new one begins.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Don't get scared and quiver
When you're changed to liver

BULLWINKLE:
You're a knot-head
But you'd better not turn us to liver
You sliver!

[Bad-N-Uff signals to Natasha. She pulls a switch and Bullwinkle is transformed into a lifesize liver pate statue.]

PEABODY:
You're a knot-head
But you'd better not turn us to liver
You sliver!

[Bad-N-Uff signals to Natasha. She pulls a switch and Peabody is transformed into a lifesize liver pate statue.]

ROCKY:
Youre a knot-head...

[Frank signals; Rocky is a statue. Canadia storms in, very upset.]

CANADIA:
I can't believe you! First, you dump me for Shermie! Then, you spit him out like a wad of gum for Dudley! And what's more, you always leave the toilet seat up in the bathroom! Plus, you always leave your dirty, smelly old clothes lying around on the floor. And...

[Bad-N-Uff singals to Natasha. Canadia is now a statue. Bad-N-Uff spies Dudley leaning against the railing.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Oh, well. While I'm at it...

[Frank signals. You know the rest by now.]

BAD-N-UFF:
It's not easy being a mad scientist these days! In the old days, you'd tell your lackeys to jump, and they'd say, "How high?" Now, everyone's got an opinion.

NATASHA:
Speaking of opinions, I've got one of my own.

BAD-N-UFF:
(to audience) See what I mean?

NATASHA:
I'm bored with this bum burg! When will we return to Pottsylvania?

BAD-N-UFF:
As soon as the next musical number is over. Now, let's get ready for the big Floorwax Show!

WHIP-LASH   NATASHA:
Aye aye, Sir.

[Bad-N-Uff leaves the lab in the elevator. As Whip-Lash and Natasha dance around the statues, we hear the off-screen Narrator yet again...]

NARRATOR:
And so, in plot twist only cartoon writers could've dreamed up, Bullwinkle and Rocky were reunited with their cartoon comrade, Dr. Peabody. But what of the floorwax show Bad-N-Uff had spoken of? To tell you the truth, I haven't the foggiest! Let's see what happens, shall we?

[The End of Episode #4]

THE ROCKY   BULLWINKLE HORROR PICTURE SHOW #5
by Joe Blevins

[Scene changes to the ballroom. Above the stage, we see a banner, which reads: "Brite Floorwax Presents . . . The Floorwax Show!" Backstage, Bad-N-Uff is putting the finishing touches on the statues he has dressed up like 1950's sitcom housewives -- tasteful dresses, pearls, high heels, bouffant hair.]

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION:
"The following scene is a paid advertisement for Brite Floorwax. 20th Century Flops is not responsible for the claims made during this scene."

[Music begins. Curtains open. Bad-N-Uff pulls switch. Canadia comes to life and sings.]

CANADIA:
Boy, my floor's really lookin' great
It looks as shiny as a china plate
Waxy build-up's what I really hate
But with Brite, I can avoid that fate
It's the finest wax that you can buy
So come on, give it a try
Brite shines your floor and keeps it
Safe from wax build-up and grime

[Dudley comes to life.]

DUDLEY:
Brite does other good stuff, too
Bonds and seals just like Krazy Glue
And with beef it makes a tasty stew
Brite'll do what you want it to
It's a multi-purpose cleaning aid
It's like having a live-in maid
Brite shines your floor and keeps it
Safe from wax build-up and grime

[Bullwinkle comes to life.]

BULLWINKLE:
Brite's the greatest
With potatoes
Don't be a sadist
Buy some more Brite please
It's so handy
And so dandy
Tastes like candy, Mom
And kills Rover's fleas

[Rocky comes to life.]

ROCKY:
Oh! It's on sale, Mom!
Check the mail, Mom!
For coupons by the pail, Mom!
And samples by the score!
The price is pretty low, too
Brite substitutes for tofu
Brite will satisfy your whole crew
It's floorwax and much more!

[Rear curtains rise. Bad-N-Uff is standing in front of a huge replica of a Brite floorwax bottle.]

BAD-N-UFF:
You can say goodbye -- to food stains
That blemish your beautiful floor
'Cause this wax does the trick
It won't mar; it won't stick
It's been tested in our lab -- months before

[Bad-N-Uff kicks a lever, which opens a staircase. He proceeds down the stairs.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Don't even worry -- 'bout yellowy buildup
Brite won't tarnish -- your precious wood floors
Wood or linoleum
This wax will do wonders
It's the top-selling floorwax
In Melbourne -- Down Under
Just ask Paul Hogan -- Woah-oh

[Bad-N-Uff leaps into a swimming pool. From an overhead shot, we see the Brite logo painted on the floor of the pool.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.

ALL:
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.

[Bullwinkle, Rocky, Dudley, and Canadia join Bad-N-Uff in the pool.]

ALL:
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.
Just try Brite, buy Brite.

[The five of them continue singing this odd mantra. A switch falls backstage, bringing Dr. Peabody back to life.]

PEABODY:
Arf! They've gotta stop -- Selling that wax
Before the FCC -- Shuts us down!
This ad must be stopped!
Let's resume -- the plot!
Or else the crowd -- may well leave
And this film will get bad -- word of mouth!

[Back to the pool. They're still singing...]

ALL:
Just try Brite, buy Brite

BULLWINKLE:
Brite's the greatest
With potatoes

ROCKY:
Goes down smoother than beer!

[Bad-N-Uff rises out of the pool on Dudley's shoulders.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Brite, Brite, Brite
B-B-Brite, Brite, Brite
Brite, Brite, Brite, Brite
Bri-i-ite
It's a floorwax, but it's so much more
Cleans your dishes and your bedroom door
So the next time that you're at the store
Purchase Brite for all your household chores

And if you're ever down and have the blues
Guzzle Brite instead of drinking boo-oo-ooze
Brite shines your floor and keeps it safe
From wax build-up and grime.

[Bad-N-Uff is now on stage and beckons others to join him in dance.]

ALL:
It's a floorwax, but it's so much more
Cleans your dishes and your bedroom door
So the next time that you're at the store
Purchase Brite for all your household chores

And if you're ever down and have the blues
Guzzle Brite instead of drinking boo-oo-ooze
Brite shines your floor and keeps it safe
From wax build-up and grime.

[They dance across the stage. Even Peabody joins in.]

ALL:
It's a floorwax, but it's so much more
Cleans your dishes and your bedroom door
So the next time that you're at the store
Purchase Brite for all your household chores

And if you're ever down and have the blues
Guzzle Brite instead of drinking boo-oo-ooze
Brite shines your floor and keeps it safe
From wax build-up and grime.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION:
"This has been a paid advertisement for Brite floorwax. Once again, 20th Century Flops would like to distance itself from the views expressed in the previous scene."

[Suddenly, Whip-Lash and Natasha burst into the ballroom. Whip-Lash removes his disguise to reveal that he is really (are you ready for this?) Fearless Leader, a tall, stern-looking man in a military uniform. He has a scar on his face, carries a walking stick, and wears a monocle.]

FEARLESS LEADER:
(sings) Bad-N-Uff, yer
Gonna suffer
You're stupid, fat, and lazy
Your salary's obscene
I'm the Fearless Leader
You now are my gopher
Let's go back to Pottsylvania
Prepare a submarine

[Music fades out. Bad-N-Uff falls to his knees and grovels.]

BAD-N-UFF:
Fearless Leader! It was really you all along! I had no idea! I'm so sorry! Let me explain!

[Bad-N-Uff whispers to Canadia and Dudley. Canadia goes to followspot. Dudley turns on switches. Soft music begins.]

BAD-N-UFF:
(sings) Boy, I've really been a shmuck

ALL:
What a rat!

BAD-N-UFF:
Now, I've run out of luck!

ALL:
You got that!

BAD-N-UFF:
I just tried to make -- some bucks

ALL:
Wallet's fat!

BAD-N-UFF:
Well -- at least I scammed -- these clu-u-u-u-ucks

[Bad-N-Uff indicates Rocky and Bullwinkle.]

BAD-N-UFF:
You've seen through -- all -- my lies
And that look -- in your eyes
Makes me realize
I'm up the creek

BAD-N-UFF   ALL:
I'm up the creek

BAD-N-UFF:
(really getting pathetic) Scum like me
Should have to pay

ALL:
And be caned!

BAD-N-UFF:
Like that hoodlum, Michael Fay

ALL:
And restrained!

BAD-N-UFF:
Gee -- I've been a -- dork today!

ALL:
So lamebrained!

BAD-N-UFF:
I wish I was...
Far away-ay-ay

You've seen through -- all -- my lies
And that look -- in your eyes
Makes me realize
I'm up the creek

BAD-N-UFF   ALL:
I'm up the creek
I'm up the creek
I'm -- up the -- cree-ee-eek

[Music ends. Fearless Leader still looks pretty upset.]

NATASHA:
How nice and slushy!

FEARLESS LEADER:
And also quite accurate. You see, you really *are* up the creek! You ninny! You were supposed to be conquering the world in the name of Pottsylvania! But how do you spend your time? Staging elaborate musical numbers!!! Now stop yapping, and let's blow this popsicle stand!

BAD-N-UFF:
I was just...er, I mean...

[Fearless Leader starts hitting Bad-N-Uff on the head with his walking stick.]

FEARLESS LEADER:
I thought I told you to be quiet, you incompetent fool!

BAD-N-UFF:
(between beatings) Please stop!...Ouch!...That hurts...Ouch!

***

[Meanwhile...Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Peabody are no longer Bad-N-Uff's control. They look around suspiciously at the ballroom.]

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, Rocky, how'd we get here? And what am I doing in this dress? I don't even wear dresses! Especially frumpy little numbers like this!

ROCKY:
I don't know, Bullwinkle, but it looks like Bad-N-Uff's got his hands full at the moment, so now would be the perfect time to get out of here.

***

[Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Peabody are now travelling down the road outside the big, scary castle. The sun is coming up on the horizon.]

BULLWINKLE:
Gee, Rock, does this mean we don't get to use the phone?

ROCKY:
I guess so. We'll have to find help somewhere else. I think there's a TV station down the road. It's called DTV or something. Maybe they can help us.

BULLWINKLE:
Ya mean *the* DTV? Wow! I watch that channel every day! Say, do you think I could get Bert Schnick's autograph?

ROCKY:
Bullwinkle, I think you watch way too much TV!

PEABODY:
I wholeheartedly agree!

[The threesome walks off into the distance. Mournful music plays softly in the background.]

NARRATOR:
And travelling...
'Round this big, old world
A canine -- with a moose and squirrel
All screwed up -- and dressed like girls
With bouffants

BACKGROUND SINGERS:
Bou-ou-ffants

[Cast and credits roll during closing reprise.]

VOICE:
(sings) Animated -- cartoon features
So long, fellas! Nice to meet ya
Bad-N-Uff sure -- got what's due him
Hey Fearless Leader -- sock it to him!
Woah oh oh ohhhhh
On those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows
Remember those?
Woah ohhhh
All those great old -- early morning -- cartoon shows

[THE END]


Script by Joe Blevins

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