GOD'S ISRAELITE DIET RIOT Leviticus 11 is the "God's Israelite Diet Riot" rules. So God says to Moe and Aaron: "So when you want meat with your two veg, this is what you use -- animals with a hoof that grows in two that's a vegetarian." * There's some animals that are herbivores, but no two-toe hoof, and some that have the cleft hoof but they're omnivores, but you need both. Camels, badgers, rabbits, sure they're herbivores, but no hoof means no barbecue. Pigs have the hoof thing, but they eat anything you throw under them. Don't even TOUCH meat from these animals, ew ew ick. * For seafood, anything with fins and scales. Anything else is, like, gross. I don't even want to see you touching seafood unless it has both fins and scales. Yuck. * Okay, get a chisel and some clay, I'm gonna give you a list of birds to stay away from: eagles, vultures (white meat and dark meat), red kites, black kites, ravens, horned or screech owls, (sea)gulls, hawks, those dwarf owls, cormorant, giant owls, white owls, desert owls (should I just mention what owls you CAN eat? Nah...). Uh, right, keep writing: osprey, storks, herons, hoopoe, and bats. Yeah, I said bats. They're not birds, I just don't want to make a fourth category for "airborne mammals." * Now the list of bugs. Get another sheet of clay for this. Start with "any bugs that walk on four legs." I know bugs have six, but praying mantises use two as arms, so they count as four legged. Hey! They pray! That's cool, leave them alone. Where was I? Oh yeah: there's a few exceptions: little hopping bugs with jointed legs, so that's locusts, katydid, crickets and grasshoppers (trust me, when you guys become agricultural again, you'll hate the little buggers). Anything else with wings and uses four legs for walking is off the diet plan. * You remember all the rules about hygiene I mentioned earlier? You remember, where I keep saying "unclean" because I can't find my thesaurus. Same rules here: you touch any meat that isn't on the diet plan, you go wash, and just in case, you stay away from anybody else's food or their stuff for the rest of the day. * Oh I almost forgot: the lizards. Don't eat geckos, monitor lizards, wall lizards, skinks, chameleons, weasels or rats. yeah yeah, I forgot to mention weasels and rats, just keep writing Aaron, the important guys are supposed to read the whole thing, they're not supposed to read or quote just bits of it, so they'll get the whole list eventually. These guys, if you find them dead and you didn't kill them yourself, it's a hygiene code red: I don't care what the corpse touches you gotta wash it. If the corpse is in a pot, you'll never get it clean, so just smash it and throw out the contents. Flowing water is fine, and so's seeds, but not if the potted water gets dirty and then you use it for watering seeds. * I shouldn't have to say this, but: if any animal is found dead, like not killed by you or someone you know, assume it's way mondo dirty, and wash your hands, clothes... awww, just wash everything after you handle the body. And stay out of the kitchen until tomorrow. Pretty much any animal on the ground is icky; don't just assume you can put anything in your mouth and start chewing. Don't cause a hygiene alert. I have a hard enough time keeping you kids alive as it is -- I got your asses out of Egypt, you know I'm on your side, so work with me here, okay? This here list is the "God's Israelite Diet Riot" rules, make sure you know what's on or off the diet before you tuck in and chow down.